Antediluvian Physiognomy

Abbot and Costello: The Dentist’s Office

Fields: Mr. Abbott, I don’t understand how you can run around with a nincompoop like Lou Costello.

Abbott: I wouldn’t dream of inflicting him on anybody else. I ought… Oh god, here he comes.

Fields (to Costello): Well, my boy, did you get the toothache drops like I told you to?

Costello: Uh huh.

Fields: Good. Now take a few drops, put it on your finger, stick your finger in your mouth, and rub it on the bad tooth.

Costello: I can’t do that.

Abbott: Why not?

Costello: I drank it.

Abbott: You..! Another fifteen cents shot. You’re going to make a nervous wreck out of me!

Costello: Well it was good.

Abbott: All you do is cause me trouble, trouble, trouble, trouble!

Fields: Just a minute Mr. Abbot. It’s very possible that you’re a bad influence on this boy.

Abbott: Now this happens to be no business of yours!

Fields: Oh, you may not know this, Mr. Abbott, but a lot of people in this neighborhood resent your derogatory and insulting treatment of this boy here.

Costello: See there, Abbott? I got friends.

Fields: I should say you have! Just because Lou Costello happens to be a poor, unsophisticated, illiterate bore, with the intelligence quotient of a delinquent midget, Mr. Abbot…

Costello (interrupting): That’s telling him, Mr. Fields!

Fields: And furthermore, Mr. Abbott, is it compensatory for you to abuse this poor unsophisticated incompetent mental moron just because he hasn’t got the common sense of a half-baked imbecile?

Abbott: Look here!

Costello: Now, just a minute, Abbott! Now, you had this coming to you for a long time!

Fields: Yes sir, Mr. Abbott. And another thing, I want you to notice this boy. Notice his blank expressionless countenance. The receding forehead. The peculiar angle at which the ears leave the face. The thickness of his skull. The antediluvian physiognomy of this boy. The close resemblance to the early form of gargantuan ape. Can you possibly blame this boy for being a slovenly unkempt grubby-looking crumb?

Costello: How do you like those potatoes, Abbott? Try and get out of that one!

Fields: Now, Mr. Abbott, I know what you’re thinking. Don’t quibble! You must admit that you’ve seen much more intelligent looking specimens than Lou Costello, in cages!

Abbott: I can’t say that!

Costello: Oh, you can say it if you wanna. You just don’t wanna remember, Abbott!

Fields: That’s a boy. Of course that’s how everybody in the neighborhood feels about Lou Costello.

Abbott(leaving): Eh, come on.

Costello: Mr. Fields, would you do me a favor?

Fields: Of course. What is it?

Costello: The next time that you say a lot of nice things about me and you build me up, will you throw in a couple of knocks? I don’t want everybody to think I’m too perfect.

Fields: I’ll be glad to. Well my boy, is your toothache better?

Costello: Yeah, I didn’t even give it a thought!

Fields (slapping Costello on the cheek): Well…!

Costello: Until now! Eee!

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